My emotional journey after deciding to move to Johannesburg (five-ish months into the move)
When I first started this post, I thought I was going to review the goals I’d set for myself at the beginning of the year, and comment on how I’d done in sticking to them. My meta goal was simply to observe which goals I stuck with and which ones evolved or manifested differently than expected. But, I realized there was an even bigger, more meta issue I’ve been wrestling with.
When I arrived in South Africa, the most thoughtful question that was posed to me: what was your emotional journey that led you to decide to come to South Africa? (Thanks for the question, Yolanda!) At the time, I did not know how to answer this question, and indeed that made me realize I more or less made this decision on gut. As a reminder, here are the key things I told myself and others: I came to work on a dope project, get to meet dope people, and explore a dope place. These dope things aligned with some of my core values: growth, curiosity, impact, and fun.
Overall, I still believe I made the right decision.
But now, with hindsight, I can share real moments of doubt that illustrate my emotional journey reconciling with this decision, and recognize the causes of doubt that I’ve unearthed. And finally, I’ll share some important lessons I’ve learned through this journey.
Moments of Doubt
- I had my first moment of doubt on the plane ride here from the U.S. in March. I calmed myself down by thinking about the longer term future and driving questions underlying my work. I arrived simply at the following:
- How does the world work?
- What kind of world do we envision for ourselves and our children?
- How do we build the bridge between the former and the latter?
For some added nuance, the world I’m focused on is from a human lens and how we organize ourselves and what shapes our identity & choices (individual, family, religion, culture, ethnicity, organization, work, politics, government, city, country) and spans a number of different disciplines from including biology, history, anthropology, sociology, religion, economics, technology (to name a few).
2. I had strong doubts while at home talking with family (see my post about realignment with them here).
3. Finally, I had doubts during a particularly tough week when:
- Two of our kids each lost a parent.
- Our leadership team had a fight over a lack of resources.
- We were struggling to raise growth funding to allow us to launch more schools and help more kids who come from similarly tough backgrounds.
During my lowest point that week, I typed up a draft TED talk I’d like to give someday. Visualizing myself giving this talk provided some much needed catharsis.
Sources of Doubt
I’ve been reading, writing, reflecting, and having discussions to suss out the causes of doubt. As a close friend has pointed out: things keep changing every day, so with more information and experience, some of these doubts may be mitigated or disappear altogether. But top of mind at this moment are the following concerns I’ve unearthed: growth/impact, financial, and career.
Impact/Growth
The biggest concern is would the trade-offs and risks I’ve made to move here get me the desired outcome, which was to help Streetlight Schools secure the financial resources needed to grow and amplify its impact, and to in turn have the experience building a growing organization that would enable me to grow professionally and personally.
Financial
The second concern is financial. One of the trade-offs in the short term is that I’ve taken a steep and real pay cut since leaving 4.0 Schools and the U.S. and coming to Streetlight Schools and South Africa. I’ve increasingly come to realize how this doubt impacts my decision-making around how I spend money.
Career
Finally, the last concern, is would the risk I’ve taken pay off and help me get to the desired outcome in the longer term, which is eventually to make some money for myself and justify the financial trade offs I’ve made, while also having impact on the world vis-à-vis the driving questions mentioned earlier. (Thanks Jade, Lawrence, Preeti, Dad and anyone else I’ve spoken with about career as of late for pushing my thoughts forward here.)
Lessons from Doubt
Through this journey, I’ve learned some valuable lessons that allow me to be and remain present, positive, and at peace:
- how to share big decisions, and know why you are doing so
- uncover biases holding you back from the above
- reframe your locus of control to release added pressure and stress
1. How to share big decisions, and know why you are doing so
When you share a decision you are in process of making, make sure it’s intentional and you know your motivation for doing so. Are you sharing for validation of a decision already made or truthful, tough feedback to help make an informed decision? Everyone I’ve shared this decision with has been highly encouraging which is tremendous. But I realized I had been sharing in a way that was easy to validate (how exciting, you’re moving to a new country for a cool project! way to go!), but that I should’ve been more intentional about sharing and asking for feedback. Ultimately, sharing in this way added support and momentum to the decision to move while neglecting to leave room for more critical analysis of all the factors surrounding the decision to move.
2. Uncover and remove unnecessary biases holding you back from being present, positive, and at peace
In those moments of doubt, it’s really important to reflect and push yourself to determine the source or causes of doubt. Probably the most real one affecting my ability to live and enjoy life on a daily basis was my financial concern. (Thanks for the push, Chipo!) The realization process went something like this:
- I’m taking a serious pay-cut (in USD terms) to move to South Africa, but if I really penny-pinch, I can save almost as much as I saved while making much more in New York because the cost of living is so low!
- I’m actually saving money by living in housing provided by the school (the ‘intern’ apartments) that is being subsidized by our landlord.
- I can save even more if I live like a miserly stingy bastard.
- Saving this money is small time; if you really want to build wealth and aim toward financial sustainability, your next step must be to increase your income. Rather than a penny saved is a penny earned, the truth seems to be that a penny must be earned to in order for a penny to be saved. (Thanks Dad for helping me realize this!)
- I can actually live very nicely on my salary in this country (in ZAR terms), and while I won’t save as much, I’ll be much happier if I don’t let financial pressure affect my everyday decisions.
Uncovering this bias has allowed me to wrestle with it, redirect my energies, and to return to being a happier and more generous person, which also aligns much better with my values and how I like to live my life.
3. Reframe your locus of control to release pressure and stress
I thought I had learned to separate things outside my control and not worry about them, but as I’m diving deeper and deeper into startup & social justice work (and shifted from being a connector to an operator), this becomes a more and more difficult challenge. Coming to work as COO and Melanie’s right hand man, I am trying to shoulder the burden of having to raise money to pay salaries and keep the lights on. And this is driving my pessimism as it increasingly feels like we’re fighting an uphill battle where failure is not an option. Through this process, I’ve learned how to reframe my locus of control — yes, the work we’re doing is tough, and yes, failure has larger ramifications for those around me, but there are still circumstances beyond my control that may contribute to and cause the failure.
And by managing and learning to deal with higher pressure, there is another positive externality: as you move into being a leader and a manager of people, you must avoid letting your stress become a barrier between you and your team. You must remain approachable, keep the mood positive (especially if there’s already a strong culture of genuine support and friendship among team members), and make sure people feel like their work is meaningful and helpful despite how challenging things may get. (Thanks for the feedback, Jabu!)
Finally, I have some overall advice for everyone: read this piece on systems vs goals (Thanks for the article, Preeti!). Doing so helped me realize I’d already been actively pursuing this strategy, but now can further double down on it to live my best life. I’d summarize my biggest takeaway as follows: focus on the systems/process/habits more than the goals to help you live the life you want to lead now and in the future. Examples of consistent habits that I’ve been developing and maintaining include:
- SHINE: apply to a competition / fellowship for Streetlight Schools at least 1x a month
- STAY FIT: go to the gym 3x a week + yoga 1x a week
- SLEEP: average 8 hours of sleep per day
There are undoubtedly financial and personal ramifications to the decision I’ve made. In uncovering this financial worry, I’ve realized it’s foolish to pinch every penny and think that doing so will increase my financial sustainability in the long run. My current decision still fits within my process of showing up to work my best self every day, and to learn from the work to become an even better version of myself. Becoming a better version of myself will allow me to continue to pursue key aspects of my career goals, which are to work on dope projects that fit within my driving questions to have an impact on the future of humanity, to work with dope people (who are driven, brilliant, kind, empathetic, funny, and fun), and to work in a way that contributes to my personal financial sustainability (and perhaps that of a future family). And, I aim to be fully present for the joy of exploring a new place/culture and of building deep, lasting relationships.
In short, the emotional journey may have occurred after I arrived, but better late than never. I’m focusing on some broad goals of a future I want for myself, trusting the system I’ve set, which allows me to release the need for immediate results and to be present, positive, and at peace.
